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| Someday.
No, not now, but someday.
That look you gave me one day,
I'll run away in it someday.
With you I'll run away, one day.
And promise me that someday
you'll tell me what you thought that one day
and hold me more than some days.
And one day tell me "always"
because one day's not enough days.
I swear we'll be there someday.
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A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
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| - She is a fighter. My mother has cancer. It's a rare cancer that has no cure. And yet every day, she goes to work, she comes home, cleans the house, does paperwork and puts up with all of our dramatic family bullshit. EVERY DAY. She has been getting worse, but she still sits there and refuses to let it take control of her. It's hard to watch because yes, she does get excruciating headaches that make her cry and crawl into bed for hours on end. She has to take pills of all shapes and sizes to fight this issue that this pill causes. She isn't the super skinny, attractive woman that she once was because the Chemotherapy pills she has to take have made her swell up and gain numerous pants sizes and she grows increasingly frustrated with being unable to fit into any of her work clothes. But this woman, this miracle of a woman still finds a way to make the people around her smile and get through the day.
- She is a believer. Our family believes in God and attends church every week, and she believes that this is a trial she is fighting for some unknown purpose, but somehow it will make her stronger for her place in the future. I can't explain this.
- She is supportive. I have told my mom things that no teenager in their right mind would tell their parents. And while she is, yes, disappointed in some things in my life, she understands and has somehow always found a way to give me the best advice she could, and has related some things about her past to me. She pushes and helps me more than anyone in my family to go to school.
- She is my mother, damnit!
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| Love.
This is going to be long. But this is something I have been meaning to get off of my chest for a while.
In a conversation I was having with a friend the other day, I started to get very worked up over the topic of relationships and love. My friend asked me what my thoughts on love were, and I could hardly respond at first because I had no idea what to start off saying. There are so many aspects, so many different things that make up the idea of love. And while this entire post may not completely cover everything that I need to say, it may just help me or someone else out somehow. I might venture to say that it is my personal guideline to how I'd like to be treated in a relationship, but maybe it's going too far....
My friend prompted my thoughts by saying that Love is an unconditional feeling, it means being willing to do anything for someone else at any time, no matter the cost. I said to him that while I agree with him, that statement is nowhere close to how important love is. We had a brief conversation about passion before our conversation about love, in which I mentioned to him that my personal passion IS passion/love (that will seem evident by the end of this). If there is anything I believe about love and relationships, it's that it SHOULD be intense. Passion is about feeling something with your whole self, making whatever it is a part of you. You know how sickeningly adorable it is to see newlyweds or new couples always hugging and smiling and complimenting each other, calling and writing adorable emails to each other during the work day. But that's because they have a passion. It's new. It's exciting. And it's the only thing on their mind. I'm not saying that a relationship should swallow your entire life, because that is just not healthy (ask me how I know). I am simply saying that it should be important. It needs to be a part of your life that you don't just forget about. And you never should forget about.
Now, I guess it would make sense to look at relationships on a time-line kind of thing. From beginning to end. Or at the very least, break things down into sections for easier understanding. Keep in mind that this is just how I feel, the things that I believe should be done for me. And if you're at all like me, then maybe this could just be that explanation for the odd pangs you feel in your heart, too, but can't explain to anyone.
Courting:
Yes, folks, that is the word courting, you didn't read wrong. Courting is essentially the same as dating, just slightly more intense. It dates back quite a few years, and essentially the point was that a man would court a woman who he had the intention of marrying. It was like dating on steroids. Like, on a spectrum, the order would be dating, courting, engagement, marriage. Personally, I am not a "fling" type of person. What I mean is, I don't date for short periods of time on purpose. I understand that things can go sour very quickly and relationships may lose their flame soon after they start. Some things aren't meant to be. But before relationships even begin, I tend to think of their worth, is there any room for growth? I don't just give my heart out to anyone and certainly expect the same in return. Relationships are the types of things that you want to take time with, you need to build it slowly. Just like in a friendship, you need to get to know someone and understand them. Except in romantic relationships, it's a little different. The point of courting/dating is to spend one-on-one time with someone for the purpose of knowing them. Get to know their heart, their fears, their desires, their goals, and work with all of the things that you discover and strengthen each other. It is a time to build communication skills so that you can actually understand the needs of your significant other and work out differences instead of bitter, useless arguing.
With a good portion of that being said, I will throw in another one of my VERY strong beliefs.
Chivalry:
Chivalry is not dead. While real men and women still exist in this world, chivalry will never die. I will raise my children on this concept because it is polite, correct, and honorable.
Now, I don't think that chivalry should be the type of thing that deems a woman useless from everything. I can open a door, and a jar, and push my own chair in by myself, thank you very much. But they are courteous gestures! For goodness sake, guys! How many nice things do women do for you and you can't at least OFFER to open a door? (It makes me sick, going to the store and having rude men just brush past me because somehow, their needs are more important. It takes 2 seconds. Grow a pair.) In the whole realm of "courting" in general, it is almost tradition that a man will buy his lovely woman flowers, small gifts of gratitude, etc. He is to desire her. Prince Charming and Robin Hood had it right, guys. Woo us. We like to be adored. It is probably the easiest way to my heart. Show me that I am the object of your affection and the thing that you want to fight for, and I'm yours. And I truly mean it. Fight for me! I don't mean this in a creepy sort of way, but figure me out! Talk to people, find out what gets me smiling and do it. I'm not asking for a hundred dollar dinner, a dozen roses and silly love poems. I'm asking for you to genuinely show me that you want me. That you will actually try to make me the happiest woman you know.
Another thing that gets me. It isn't gay. It USED to be normal. That was the sign of a real man, the one who saved Maid Marian and did whatever he could to please her. When did it become stupid for men to stop paying attention to his woman? Oh yeah, the Feminist movement. Dumb bitches...
Love Languages:
There is a man by Gary Champan who has written a series of articles and has a radio show about relationships. I have read through some of his stuff, and I actually believe and agree with a lot of what he says. My main focus is his point on the fact that there are 5 Love Languages that people respond to. They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Recieving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Essentially, what he says is that not everyone responds to how YOU may want to be loved. For example, everyone loves presents! You'd be really strange not to. But only on occasion, correct? If someone gave you things ALL THE TIME, you'd start to feel a little indebted after a while, right? Not exactly. If your love language is Recieving Gifts, then that is how you best feel loved in a relationship. But that may not be how you show love FOR someone else. Personally, my love language is Words of Affirmation (I've taken his test). I don't like getting gifts because I feel terrible. Physical Touch is my runner up, but too much and I feel used and slutty. What makes me feel the most loved is when someone is TELLING me how they feel about me. I'm a communications major, and I respond well to good communication. So sure, gentleman, feel free to get me roses, but I'd love a heartfelt, genuine letter attached to it. Only one of those two things I can save. ("Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And whats wrong with that?")
Quality Time:
Now, hear me out. This is a Love Language, but I'm not talking about it as a LL. I'm talking about it in the major differences between guys and girls. In particular, with me.
Guys think that quality time with their ladies is dinner and a movie. Or something similar. Ha. Ha ha ha. Fat chance, buddy. That isn't quality time in the slightest. I don't mind dinner and a movie, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going out with someone, I want us time. Time to talk and connect and understand each other, not staring at a big screen in a place where people get pissed if you talk, etc... you get the point.
I am also NOT saying that every waking hour of every day should be spent together. Sure, if I'm in a serious relationship, I expect to have some sort of conversation with my significant other at least once during the day, preferably at the end (and also using Words of Affirmation!  ) But I don't need to SEE you and hug you once every day. Perk, yes. Necessity, no! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Plus, I need my space.
I was in a serious relationship once where my boyfriend's two best friends pretty much came out and said they hated me because of how much time the boyfriend and I spent together. In the moment, it didn't seem like much. Looking back, it seems like almost 2 years of my life entirely wasted. We were together almost every day. And when not together, on the phone. And when not on the phone, talking online. Talk about clingy. In my more current relationships, I have been making many efforts to try and minimize this same problem, but admittedly have my ups and downs. Who doesn't? All I'm saying is that time spent together should be spent with a purpose, but both peple need to have seperate lives.
The Long Haul:
Now, me, being the hopeless romantic, would tell you that it is not proposturous to think of being seriously serious (yeah, I'm serious) at a younger age. I understand time, distance, and age differences. While I am no expert on relationships (The experts are the "married for 50 years" people), I can say that I understand enough about what I want/deserve to be ready. Ideally, in my mind, I'd like to be married by 24. I want to be a young, cool mom and have a relationship where I can build my home with my husband. Thinking about that, it currnetly leaves me with 6 years to find a husband. And personally, if tomorrow I met "the one" and we were to get engaged within the year, I'd have no problem staying engaged for a lengthly period of time. In a really odd way, I find it extremely romantic. It's like saying "I love you, and I want you. Thinks are not ideal at the moment, but maybe in a few years, we can actually figure this out and be married. But nothing is going to change how I feel about you, so will you (at some point in the near-ish future) marry me?"
I don't know a lot about who I am. But I know for certain that all of the above are things I believe with my whole heart. Maybe it isn't too much to ask that this be a guideline...
But whatever the case, my future man should know that I am no easy woman. Not that I'm hard to please or anything, but there are just ways that things need to be done. And all of the above (while not even close to a complete list) is it.
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